Happy Friday

I feel compelled to write about positivity today. After starting the morning scanning twitter and seeing some pretty awful news posts, I turned to Instagram and started seeing some really nice things on my newsfeed.

Tank Sinatra is an Instagram phenom based on his memeolgy, comedic posts and hilarious content. But he also has a page TanksGoodNews dedicated to nothing but positive news.

After our morning routine of me getting little Addy ready for the day, I was expecting to go back to bed as I was feeling kind of crappy after a restless night of bad sleeping. Kiddo had a meltdown in the middle of the night because I wouldn’t let her follow me into the bathroom. When we woke up, I asked her why she was being a bad girl last night…. and she answered in her pouty voice “because I wanted to be with you”… How do you stay mad at that?

Every Friday morning whenever I end up out the door and onto some errands I start the day off with some Tim Horton’s steeped tea. And every week, no matter how much it is… I always buy the round for the next person behind me in drive thru. I pay, give them a little wave out my window and drive off. I’ve done this consistently since I’ve been off work.

After the mini getaway to Toronto and as I stated last night… I am very thankful for what I have. I need to continue being positive, I need to start doing good things, to do something nice for some random strangers… I feel really good at how far I’ve progressed mentally over the past couple weeks, I am pretty balanced emotionally right now. Letting the rest of my core group of friends know what I’ve been struggling with has been very uplifting. It’s all been 100 percent support from every single one of them, and I love every single one of them for being who they are to me.

I believe if I continue this positivity, then something positive is going to happen sometime soon. I need to let what will become, become.

Fun note. The farmer’s market downtown Windsor starts up this weekend, and our local night market in Lasalle has an event this Sunday evening. I am very much looking forward to spending time with my girls there as I’ve brought Addy to the market since she was a newborn baby, so I am hoping she will have these faint memories of me pulling her in her wagon, carting her around in her stroller, holding her hand while she waddles down Pelissier Street.

Here’s to making good memories this weekend folks.

Much Love.

TW

May Showers

“Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in your pain. There is growth in your pain. But only if it is brought out into the open” — Steven Aitchison

“I’m not faking being sick… I’m actually faking being well” — Unknown

To those that are not educated on what mental health is or how it effects those that suffer from it… we might seem like bums… we might look like we’re moping around the house, not wanting to do things, not wanting to go out… but that is exactly what it is, it just SEEMS like that.  We struggle with thoughts that would most likely not come to fruition, our normal self esteem isn’t there, our bodies ache for no reason as our shoulders are slumped while we walk around…

I’ve been applying to different opportunities, and because I’ve decided to look outside of the banking industry of which I was in for over 10 years… those opportunities are limited.  Soon, I’ll be looking into heading back to school and perhaps take up a diploma in social work as I have a sense that there is something drawing me to this field.  It would take 4 semesters and less than 2 years, but in the meantime I’ll need to find something for the interim.

I still feel like I’d be judged even by some close friends if they find out I’ve taken some time off.  The other day I ran into some acquaintences at the grocery store and I told them I’ve left the bank… and the first thing they ask?  DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LINED UP?  To which I said no, I’m just taking it easy right now…. I didn’t feel like explaining myself then and there about dealing with severe depression.  But I saw their faces, they were probably thinking… what the heck is this guy doing… an up and coming advisor at a major bank in Canada… just walking away from the industry?

I think I’ll reach out to them soon and let them know what I’m really dealing with.  Not out of spite, not tongue in cheek, but to prove to myself that I shouldn’t be embarassed about what I’m going through.

As most humans, I hate waiting, I hate the unknown…. I’m anxious because I’ve put all my eggs into a basket in hoping to get into a certain institution… and I am afraid of the what if….

My mind is so warped right now that what used to be a strength of mine, being able to overcome thoughts and carry on… is now an ever present weakness that has developed.  The glass is half empty is how I see it.  It is as if I’m giving up on myself and it’s sad.  Because I know besides myself, everyone else is rooting for me.  Everyone else is hoping for something good to happen.  But I’ve had such a crappy 2018 so far, it’s tough to keep my head up.  Nothing has gone my way.

I need some good news.  And I need it soon.

 

TW

 

Mother’s Day Weekend

Being selfless is a trait not realized until you’ve given something up.

When you get married, you give yourself up to your spouse.  When you have a child, you give yourself up so that they have a better life than you did.

This is something that comes with age and experience.

When we were young, we wanted to grow up so fast because we thought we were missing out on so much.  But when we’ve grown up, we look back and envy the lives we had being young.  Not many responsibilities, no bills, not many tangible worries yet.  Alot of us didn’t have to worry about much because our parents were able to shield us from the struggles that we had yet to learn about.

I look at the women in my life and the older I get, the more I admire and respect them.

My mother and mother in law came from a pretty rough upbringing back in old Vietnam.  The stories seldom come out but when they do, I listen more closely to them because I can now relate to them as a parent as well.  They are truly the backbones of our families as we as children were burdens to them over so many years until we became adults, grew up, and moved out.

Then there is this different perspective I have in life watching my wife become a mother to our beautiful daughter Adelynn.  What I am about to share with you, I’ve only shared with my very close friends as it is one of few things that has moved me so powerfully as a man… it changed me.

It was January 25, 2018…. 3 something in the morning.  Siu began having contractions, we timed it out, rang the hospital… and off we went.  I can’t say how fast I was driving that night, but let’s just say… faster than normal.  We check in, go upstairs and get settled into our room.  First of all, I need to thank the heavens because all the nurses and doctors involved were absolutely phenomenal. It was a pretty long labour process for Siu, and when the time came… she needed an episiotomy (look it up, i’ll spare the details)… Ladies and gentlemen, it is nothing like the movies… there’s no stirrups, no cloth barrier than shields you from seeing what’s going on.. folks, you have a front row seat to a life being brought into the world.  Our beautiful little one came out with a head full of hair, all the nurses and doctors were so surprised to see her like that.

It was my turn to hold her, and I remember how light she was in my arms, the smell of the hospital blankets wrapping her up.  I was too exhausted to cry.  Nurse shift change.  A younger nurse came in and suggested to Siu that maybe she can get up and walk to the washroom.  I didn’t think much of it at the time, but as I sat down with Addy in my arms… i watched the one nurse kind of struggle to help Siu — without a commode — head to the bathroom.  The senior nurse then walked over to assist, and as she did…. Siu started to and did indeed pass out.  I can remember all of this so vividly as it was one of the most scariest things I’ve ever went through.  The head nurse caught Siu and literally picked her up and dropped her back in bed.  If she wasn’t there to catch her, Siu would have slammed her head off the toilet. I remember seeing Siu’s face was pale as porcelain.  Time was in slow motion as I’m sitting there helpless, holding my newborn child, wondering… is this really happening right now?  Am I going to lose my Siu, is my Addy going to not have a mommy growing up?  As the nurses aided Siu, I closed my eyes and started praying… and I swear to you all… As I opened my eyes and looked above Siu’s bed…. I saw a translucent shape hovering over her…. it was an angel… The nurse was kind of patting Siu in the face and she came to…. But I cannot remember much after that as it was all a blur.  As I’m sitting here typing this, it’s hard for me to keep the tears back.

I’ve written a post about my wife before, but she deserves another one… and many more after this one.  Maybe even she doesn’t realize how amazing a mother that she has become.  All those lonely nights nursing the little one, all those dark days of post partum depression, she’s become so strong.  I have come to the point where I’ve been leaning on her through my darkness… and again I thank the heavens… because if it wasn’t for her being my strength… I would have taken the easy way out.

Selfless. ADJECTIVE. “concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own– unselfish”  — That is my wife.

Happy mother’s day Love.

 

TW

Globe of Light

Prepare your mind, get yourself in a relaxed state…. Close your eyes…

Once you are feeling relaxed and at peace, imagine that you can see a violet globe of light about the size of a grapefruit suspended just above the top of your head.  Imagine that this globe of violet light is luminous and semi-transparent.  Now see this glove of light begin to rotate… as it turns, it picks up any tension in or near the top of your head.  Just imagine that as this globe of light turns above your head, it continues to absorb any tension you feel in your head.  It is also picking up any racing, extraneous thoughts, allowing your mind to slow down and become calm. Keep imagining this until that area feels completely relaxed. Pause.

Now imagine that there is a luminous sphere of light, whatever colour you find calming, and this light is an inch or two in front of your face.  The sphere begins to revolve slowly, as it turns… it picks up tension and strain around your eyes.  Continue to see this globe of light turning in front of your face as it is still absorbing the tension from around that area. Pause.

Imagine the globe moving down to a spot an inch or so away from your neck and as it settles in that area it begins to slowly rotate picking up tension and constriction in your neck.  The longer it continues to turn, the more negative feelings it absorbs. Pause.

Now move the globe of light down to your chest which is level to your heart and again allow the sphere to rotate slowly while it picks up the tension in that area… The longer it continues to revolve, the more tension it can pull out of your chest. Pause.

Finally, move the globe of light to the area of your abdomen right below your sternum.  This is the place in your body where you’re most likely to experience feelings of fear or hurt.  Make the globe of light very luminous and pick the colour for your hurt or stressful feelings from the area of your solar plexus.  Just continue seeing the globe rotating right above that area allowing it to pick up any tension, stress, or emotional discomfort you happen to be feeling there.

Now let go of the globe of light and imagine your body bathed by luminous, golden white light.  Imagine that this light enters your body at the top of your heard as it flows down your neck, your shoulders, arms, your hands… chest… abdomen, your hips, thighs, calves… and your feet.  Allow this light to enter and fill every single cell of your entire body…. and as it does, just relax more and more.  You’re experiencing this as a very soothing, comforting light.  As it spreads through your entire body, it brings a sensation of comfort, calm and deep relaxation.  It allows you to feel very much at peace….

_______________________________________________________________________________

This would obviously work alot better if you had someone dictate while you are laying there with your eyes closed.  These visualization exercises have been great.  It just slows your mind and body down after a hectic day…. It’s like a warm cup of tea on a cool, brisk evening as the sun sets… you can feel the last rays of sunshine massage your face….

 

TW

May the 5th be with you

People have a hard time of letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. We also become attached to our burdens, sometimes more than the burdens are attached to us.

It is in our nature as we tend to dwell on more negative things than on the good. We become obsessed with negative things, with judgement, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on….

The mind constantly plays tricks on us, and we wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of us until we realize… they seldom do. This whole fear of going out in public and self isolation has been just this, a mind trick. A self imposed mind trick.

“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward”

—– Martin Luther King Jr

Up and at them.

TW

Are You OK?

It takes alot to fake a smile, and even more effort to act like someone or something that you aren’t. A good amount of wrinkles on my face are most likely from smiling that type of smile for years. In a hilarious but kind of sad realisation is that because I haven’t been social lately, my face has been able to relax a bit.

It has surprised us all to see our friends, family members and celebrities alike come out to publicly confess as people that have or are suffering from depression. Even more tragic are the stories of suicide because they just couldn’t deal with it any longer.

Every session that I have with my therapist involves taking an assessment with the same set of questions every week. It asks about mood, appetite, thoughts of suicide, things of that nature. Yes, I had to establish early on at our original meeting steps to take if I ever had those thoughts. You know what? Theoretically those steps mean well. Theoretically when we are having good days, it’s not an issue. But also theoretically speaking, all those steps mean nothing when we might potentially go through a breakdown alone. That is frightening.

I’ve thankfully taken control of my own emotions, and I am confident that I am stable enough to overcome those dark thoughts. But now that I’ve gone through what I can assume is a near full depression cycle, I do empathize with those who have taken their own lives because they think they’ve come to an end… that they were alone… that there isn’t any other way other than ending it all.  All the money in the world, all the hugs, all the fame, all the accolades… they mean nothing to a warped mind that isn’t able to comprehend moving forward with their life.

Robin Williams.  Chester Bennington.  Chris Cornell.  Avicii.

Who would have thought?  They were all generational heroes and icons.

But judge not what you don’t understand.  The first knee jerk reaction would be the typical… “They took the easy way out” bullshit…. Heavy lies the crown.  And none of us will ever understand what it would be like to walk in their shoes, or live their lives.

What a wonderfully sad world we live in.

 

TW