Snow snow go away

I’ve been clouded by such negativity lately that I haven’t sat back and looked at how lucky I am….

I should be thankful for alot. For one thing, I’m alive. I have an amazing family, my parents are still with us, my sisters are awesome. My wife and daughter are the most important people to me. My little beagle Maya is turning 8 this weekend…. So much I’ve been blessed with.

Yes I’ve complained to no end about being stuck in a bad job, but hey it is some good money and the bills are being paid… The glass is half full.

The good quote account on Instagram is absolutely amazing. Every morning I look at the new posts and it is a great way to start the day.

The holidays are coming up and to be honest, I enjoy Thanksgiving more than Christmas. I’ve already requested some days off and the whole family will be together for once as it has been a long time since we’ve all gathered for Christmas.

Thursdays are always enjoyable if I don’t have to go into work… But more importantly I get to spend some time with Addy, just us 2. She’s usually a pretty good kiddo when it’s just us. I make her feed herself while we eat dinner as opposed to Siu and my mom always helping her. Or I just know how to make deals with her, sorta tricking her into finishing meals or tasks. I totally have this kid figured out.

I foresee a shit show of a Friday tomorrow morning as it usually is after a day off from hell. But I’ll put on that fake smile and carry on.

TW out

11/11/18

Today is armistice day. Marking 100 years since the end of the first World War.

I am of Chinese Vietnamese descent, born and raised in Canada and a proud Canadian through and through.

I have the utmost respect for for those who served and continue to serve for our country, it’s honour, safety and peace that is provided with very little recognition.

It disgusted me to see no one other than me wear a poppy all week at work. Absolutely no one. Which makes me realize how close minded some folks are. To be living in this great land of democracy. This land of relative safety. And for people not to show the smallest sign of respect? Just brutal.

Went out for a nice breakfast with Siu and Addy downtown Amherstburg and when we finished we headed over to the pier and just seeing the flags of Canada, USA and great Britain blow in the wind….. Makes me feel proud of being a Canadian born Chinese man. To be able to walk amongst different cultures, enjoying different foods, but all with the commonality of the English language.

Addy asked what remembrance day was, and I said it is when we remember the soldiers that fought in a war a long time ago. A war that made our lives better today. Next year I’ll bring her to a parade to witness those in active duty. I want her to respect our veterans, not to discount the fact that our country is safe because of the unsung heros of our military. It’s not the government keeping us safe, it’s the military.

Lest we forget.

TW

A little bit goes a long way

We have a vendor that supplies flowers to the BMW dealership. Every new customer gets a dozen roses upon the delivery of their new vehicles….

I learn that the gentleman that owns, operates and delivers the flowers to me lost his wife of over 30 years to cancer in June…. I’ve always been cordial to the man, making it a point to tell him I appreciate his business. But today I felt compelled to take a minute and find out how he’s really doing.

I ask if he’s got a couple minutes. So we sat down in my office. I asked how he’s holding up and why he just sold the business to another individual? He said he’s not doing well, his life has no meaning as he’s lost the only thing that keeps him going. He has a daughter and 2 grand kids so I tell him to focus on them now… We were both getting emotional and I just let the man cry, I told him to just let loose.

I mentioned to him what I have recently gone through not that it equates to what he’s currently going through but I felt it was a good time to share my own struggles and I hope he doesn’t go into a spiral like I did. To stay away from those dark thoughts.

Today… I knew I had to listen to this man just say it out loud… That he misses his dead wife. Everytime I see him stop by to drop off the flowers he seems lost, not focusing on where he was… Today I needed to be a human being, being human to another human….

That’s how I started my day off. I messaged Siu to tell her what just happened and that I was really rattled. It was emotionally draining.

Puts into perspective how mundane and trivial my struggles have been lately compared to what that man is going through. He feels like he’s lost all hope. I’m not hopeless, I’m just stuck in a bad situation.

But I’ll continue to try to rise above it all, remind myself to stay positive in such a toxic environment.

Live to fight another day

TW

Overwhelmed

The slow simmer of anxiety. The stress at work is becoming unbearable as I cringe thinking about going in every day. The toxic negativity is palpable as a majority of the employees are visibly unhappy. I was such a happy positive person with great intentions of being successful but as time has gone by, I am realizing this place is literally gonna kill me.

I need to stick to it though, hoping for something better… I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. I honestly think they are trying to flush me out, purposely putting me into situations where it’s near impossible to finish timelines. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of but there’s nothing I can do.

I feel helpless as I am stuck in this situation. I’m constantly tired as I am unable to clear my mind. Can’t even do breathing exercises that worked months ago.

I don’t understand why and how some people can be so vindictive, so selfish. Well I do actually, and I know they are battling their own struggles but they’re also taking it out on others. I’m done with being nice to them. I’m there just to get a pay cheque, not to be friends as I don’t enjoy their fake smiles and rude demeanor.

I cannot wait to move onto something new.

I stopped blogging because I felt like all I ever share are negative thoughts, but I can’t help myself… I need to release myself somehow.

I don’t want to burden Siu as I know she’s pretty stressed out herself. My parents don’t understand what I’m really going through. I also don’t want to bug my friends and ruin their good days with yet another life rant. I wish I had time to reconnect with my therapist, but this job doesn’t even allow me a real day off as I am bugged with indirect emails, passive aggressive messages trying to guilt me into showing up at work .

God help me. I am nearing my wits end

Sundays

Sundays mean alot more nowadays as it is my only day off to spend with Siu and Addy.

I’m so glad that it’s Autumn… I’m done with the summer heat. Bring on the early evenings, sweaters, end of day cups of tea.

We are finally able to bring Addy outside and enjoy the stars and moon as it gets dark earlier now. Taught her the star light star bright song, I’ll download the star map app soon too. I’m glad that I’m able to share with her what is to me one of my most favorite relaxation exercises. Just looking up at the stars, letting my mind wander. Lately it’s been just a bunch of negative thoughts, anxiety of work, just not being happy with the progression of my position.

I used to be able to wander in and out of different thoughts that brought a smile to my face. The only things that make me happy nowadays is spending time with Addy. Siu and I barely have any time together because by the time I come home from work we are in our night time routine with the little one, and we are both exhausted from the day. Saturday evenings are when we get to just hang out, be together even if we are on our phones. It’s nice just to enjoy silence with her.

The other day I said out loud how lucky I was to have such a loving wife. How she just gets me, alot of people don’t have that luxury… Having someone absolutely understand when you need space, need to talk, or just need their presence.

We were over at a friend’s place for dinner yesterday…. Several kiddos there at their own table and we didn’t realize how good we have it with Addy being such a good girl compared to the other little ones. I think so far, Siu and I have done pretty good with her… She’s social in public, but she’s also cautious of people she doesn’t know.

How have I been lately? I don’t think I’m happy, but I do feel lucky to be in better shape than most people… I shouldn’t complain, I have a house, a beautiful wife and daughter, a noisy little beagle… A job… But to be honest I’m just coasting along hoping for something that would give me better work life balance. I feel bad that Siu has to take care of Addy Mondays and Wednesdays alone. Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m with the kid because Siu’s teaching at the college those evenings… Thank goodness for somewhat of a routine, help from our folks, and awesome daycare.

I’ll be ok. Not doing the best, but not doing too bad either.

TW

:)

This past week I started weight watchers, I also took on a 21 day exercise challenge of which I wake up every morning at 6am and do different functions. Day 1 100 push-ups, day 2 100 sit ups, day 3 100 squats, day 4 500 jumping jacks and 10 burpees. I continue this for the duration of the challenge. I was hurting all week, limping around at work, but felt a great sense of accomplishment. I haven’t been active for months and the combination of exercise and a diet has got me on track with my physical well being.

I was determined to have a great day with Addy and it started with her joining me while I did my morning regimented exercises. We let mommy sleep in for once while we headed to the park this brisk morning. I’m working on expanding Addy’s imagination so we play I spy with my little eye alot. It’s so awesome that she’s at the age where we can finally have real conversations and they are actually pretty enjoyable. Kiddo is hilarious. Then we headed home for a nice breakfast at home. It was so damn nice to actually stay in all day… Well we were outside in the backyard quite a bit and enjoyed the beautiful weather. What a great day off.

September is coming to an end…

It is also suicide awareness month and I have yet to post about it. It is a very tough topic for me to write about. I cannot say I’ve never thought about it. But I can say I got the right support when it was crucially needed, my close friends and family were there when I needed them. Pride means nothing if a person isn’t around to worry about themselves.

Dark thoughts are exactly that, JUST THOUGHTS. It is the bad part of your brain, the bad conscience. The little devil that sits on your shoulder whispering lies until you start believing they are true. What people on the outside don’t realize is that we who suffer from depression cannot help ourselves when we are deep in a cycle. We might have good intentions and look semi ok on the outside but it takes one bad thought, that one trigger and things can end badly.

This is hard….even to type out on my phone….. the wave of emotions…

I chose life. I chose my wife. I chose my daughter. I chose my family. I chose my friends.

That was my choice. This is my life.

I thank everyone (who knows who they are) that have been there for me. It’s so cliche but it’s true… It’s the little things in life that make a big difference in this horrible world we live in.

We can either sit on the sidelines and feel sorry for ourselves, or we can do something about it. Open up. Help others open up. Be the better person and sift through the negativity, emerge as a light this dark universe.

Hug your dog, hug those closest to you. Message that friend you haven’t talked to in awhile. You never know when and if it’s the last time you have a conversation with them.

The suicide prevention line in Ontario is 1(833)456-4566.

Have a plan in place. Have a support group in place. Don’t make that decision alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

TW