“Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in your pain. There is growth in your pain. But only if it is brought out into the open” — Steven Aitchison
“I’m not faking being sick… I’m actually faking being well” — Unknown
To those that are not educated on what mental health is or how it effects those that suffer from it… we might seem like bums… we might look like we’re moping around the house, not wanting to do things, not wanting to go out… but that is exactly what it is, it just SEEMS like that. We struggle with thoughts that would most likely not come to fruition, our normal self esteem isn’t there, our bodies ache for no reason as our shoulders are slumped while we walk around…
I’ve been applying to different opportunities, and because I’ve decided to look outside of the banking industry of which I was in for over 10 years… those opportunities are limited. Soon, I’ll be looking into heading back to school and perhaps take up a diploma in social work as I have a sense that there is something drawing me to this field. It would take 4 semesters and less than 2 years, but in the meantime I’ll need to find something for the interim.
I still feel like I’d be judged even by some close friends if they find out I’ve taken some time off. The other day I ran into some acquaintences at the grocery store and I told them I’ve left the bank… and the first thing they ask? DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LINED UP? To which I said no, I’m just taking it easy right now…. I didn’t feel like explaining myself then and there about dealing with severe depression. But I saw their faces, they were probably thinking… what the heck is this guy doing… an up and coming advisor at a major bank in Canada… just walking away from the industry?
I think I’ll reach out to them soon and let them know what I’m really dealing with. Not out of spite, not tongue in cheek, but to prove to myself that I shouldn’t be embarassed about what I’m going through.
As most humans, I hate waiting, I hate the unknown…. I’m anxious because I’ve put all my eggs into a basket in hoping to get into a certain institution… and I am afraid of the what if….
My mind is so warped right now that what used to be a strength of mine, being able to overcome thoughts and carry on… is now an ever present weakness that has developed. The glass is half empty is how I see it. It is as if I’m giving up on myself and it’s sad. Because I know besides myself, everyone else is rooting for me. Everyone else is hoping for something good to happen. But I’ve had such a crappy 2018 so far, it’s tough to keep my head up. Nothing has gone my way.
I need some good news. And I need it soon.
TW
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